Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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