OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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