Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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