we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
