"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
