in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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