dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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