If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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