I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
