maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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