i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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