I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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