if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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