i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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