Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Watching her eat just hurts me
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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