I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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