she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
