im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
its not stalking. its research.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
