come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
