mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
