I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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