I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
