just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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