I think my vagina is haunted
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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