I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
