I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
