ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
