I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
