im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
