Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
