My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
