My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
