My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sext me about skeletons
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
