So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
