Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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