Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it hurts more in the daytime
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And then my night got REAL pukey
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
