Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
