After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
