you guys were way drunker than both of me
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have aggressive nipples.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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