How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
