wrigley field is MILF paradise
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
a search helicopter?!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm at about main and main street
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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