If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
