all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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