Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
