She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
it was like eating out sand paper
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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