Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
