Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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