Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
