I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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