My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
