On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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