I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
